SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

i did not die. or run away. or move to catmanzu. i turned off my internet. OH, THE HORROR! THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!! oh, please.....

i sure have missed all the quirky blogs, though. and i still hate xanga (some things never change... ;) ). and i still haven't looked at my-space. but i know i'll enjoy catching up on what has been happening. any good ones i should check out first?

THE FUNK

well, i've had a wonderful month. but today i seem to have entered into a funk. i don't really know why. i just feel very blah. maybe it's just post climatic depression. camp was probably the best we've ever had. and my birthday and anniversary were quite enjoyable. of course, there has been a bit of drama too. some people just seem to live for it. at school, at work, at church, it seems to be everywhere. well, that is just life.
i have many things to be happy about. i still talk to nastya regularly. i'm almost done with school. i am settling into my new job. and our ministry is going well. summer has been good so far. my relationships are pretty healthy. i am walking closer to God. all in all a good thing.
five things on my mind lately:
1. dogs
2. books to read
3. healthy choices
4. my mom
5. my cruise

REFLECTIONS

i recently heard someone say " when you are hurt, what is on the inside comes out." they were referring to blood, but also making a point about how we react to certain things. i have found this to be all too true. i have found out what is inside me. can i quote a song? "i carry pride like a disease." a humble thought. this is NOT the person i want to be. this defensive, emotional retaliator. i want to be forgiving, which also became an issue in this light. man, i feel like the wretched man that i am today. i do the things i don't want to, and neglect the things i want to do( to paraphrase). God, i repent.............

LOOKING BACK

i had an interesting conversation with larry today. we were talking about being picked on in school and being the outcast. i experienced this in junior high. there were two girls in my neighborhood who were absolute bullies. they made riding the bus hell. by the time i hit high school i was hanging out with a different crowd. my best friend was a biker who had beaten the crap out of a few people publicly. so i was never bothered due to the fact that i hung out with her. but larry and i were talking about popular kids who took the time to recognize us as human. for me it was nick picalo and his cousin john wagner. they both always spoke nice to me. and it made a difference. i wish i could see them today and just say thanks for not being a jerk to me. you were liked by everyone and i was not. man, benevolence is wonderful.

then we began talking about old crushes and old flings and flames and psycho ex's. i didn't date as much as larry, who is a reformed dog. but i had a few 'winners'. and there was the crush i had for like 7 years. matt hoppe. boy, i thought he was just the shizzle. he is the reason i had grown my hair out since junior high. one day he said" your hair is getting long." like out of the blue. it thrilled me so much that i grew it waist length . but then i ran into larry my junior year in high school. matt just didn't look as good anymore. neither did any of the other guys i thought were cute. i was totally smitten.

looking back is good. you realize you made the right choice. and you learn from your mistakes. and you think of old friends and good times. i like that.....

FITS AND GIGGLES

i think i've had way too much coffee today. i have a job interview in 2.5 hours and i am a wreck. i feel like i should be doing something important to prepare but here i sit blogging.

the countdown has begun for my graduation. i have approximately( and i say this for things out of my control, like the fact that there is no school today due to in-house training)9 weeks. i can't wait. i hate being there. the girls are mostly o.k. , but i have a few i could live without. and this is the case anywhere you go. but it is the constant changing of rules that bugs me. and the attitude. they don't really care and it shows. i hate fake praise! and this happens. just tell me the truth, that you can't wait till we graduate because you don't like us, you just want our money. i can handle honesty(better).

i have been feeling differently about my relationships. i want them to be more honest. and i want to be more myself. i'm not real sure exactly who i am but i want to be ok with that too. i am forgiving myself daily for being less than i think i should be. so i have been looking hard at myself and thinking about where i stand on certain important issues. such as, do i really like blues or funk more? why do i prefer ethnicity over white for companionship? and if this is so, how did i marry a white boy? well, that last isn't too hard to answer, because he is HOT, and i like him. ha! i got the biggest kick out of him totally abusing his pulpit by giving me a major shout out last sunday. i can't lie, i felt special, and loved and wanted. that is a great feeling!

so, pray for me, guys. and i believe God has my best interest at heart and i trust Him more and more. and that is a great feeling too!!

MONEY IS NO OBJECT (OF DESIRE)

i hate trying to budget and figure out money stuff. interest rates, finance charges, good loans, bad credit.... if you ask me money is evil, not just the love of it! i think people who CHOOSE to work with money, like accountants and such, have a chemical imbalance. yeah, give me teenagers with all their angst and raging hormones and rebellion against authority any day!!!! piece of cake. just don't put me in charge of fundraising.

TRUE LOVE

5 things i hate to love

1. shopping(i feel like such a girl admitting this)
2. chocolate(it is fattening and yummy all at once)
3. loads of attention
4. anything mainstream
5. housework

5 things i love to hate

1. a bully(although i can be one)
2. female cycles
3. dirty old men
4. gas stations(because they are usually full of dirty old men)
5. PEOPLE WITH COLDS OR ALLERGIES AT CONFERENCES WHO WON'T GO BLOW THEIR NOSE!!!!

5 secret pleasures

1. picking crusty boogers out
2. sleeping in the buff
3. watching bad children get whipped(and trying not to smile)
4. playing hooky from school and watching three hours of TNG on spike network
5. smelling people's hair when i hug them


5 secrets

1. i hate being the center of attention in a large crowd
2. i love when my husband talks about me from the pulpit
3. i'm wishy washy inside
4. i'm lazy
5. i like to trade insults with certain people who also like to do this ,in a friendly manner and setting(you know who you are, jerkface)

well, i feel good having got that off my chest(which i dislike...) therapy anyone???